If you got here from a Park Hill connection:
I'm the dude that played tenor sax in concert band and was constantly a wise ass.

If you got here from a cheerleading connection:
I am the dude that was often injured and was constantly a wise ass.

If you got here from a work connection:
I am the guy that did that thing and is constantly a wise ass.

Happy Birthday to my wonderful wife, who remains the best person I know and I admire everyday.
I love you with all my heart!

Happy birthday to my amazing wife, who remains the best person I know.
Love you baby!

Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes! I tried to go through and thank everyone personally, but I think the Zuckbot-Facerberg auto-algorithm failed to leave the links in my notifications. My failing memory has at least two flashes - David Moyers and Chris Raff of people who sent me messages that I couldn't comment back on, so thanks fellas!
Anyone else my stupid brain can't remember that sent me messages please know I appreciate it, and thank you 🙂.

GO VOTE

Happy birthday to my amazing, wonderful , beautiful wife. I love you baby!

Go vote you assholes.

Teaching the nephew about VR.

Thank you all for the birthday wishes yesterday!

Pringles should change their slogan to “Once you pop, you probably won’t stop because you have poor willpower and we both know it.”

"I should build an app" is my generation's "I should buy a boat".
That being said, I should totally build an app.

If I ever start a band, it will be called Rage Against the Coffee Machine and all my songs will be about that sound that the airpot makes when you press the handle down and there is no coffee in it.

Referring to my code as a piñata full of bees does not seem to inspire confidence.
You should just be impressed that I got all those bees in there in the first place.

The new lost in space is pretty good.

A poem for spring:
Green grass is growing
Green grass is growing
I look at my yard
MOTHER#*{#%^{#
Coupons for grass seed
Thank you.

Just got done with a super detailed update for a project at work, so I have like 60% of my brain power left. Just enough to keep my heart beating and throw out a few curse words under my breath.

If I am more than four stairs behind you in a stairwell when you open the door to our floor, just go man. I ain't doing more cardio because of peer pressure.

I conducted a gravity-assisted inspection of our basement ceiling last night. Put another way, I missed a step and fell down the stairs like a far sighted giraffe on stilts.
I expect to awkwardly work this into at least five conversations today.

Still have a low grade headache. I am either sick, dehydrated, or my body is in open rebellion because I had a salad for lunch yesterday.
Just more evidence that getting healthy is going to kill me.

Pounding headache. Check back tomorrow for snark. Probably about headaches.

“I think I will take a break from playing video games and watch a movie”, said the giant man child to himself.

Nine year old me would probably be disappointed by how happy I am with the broom I bought today.
What does he know, he’s just a nine year old idiot. I’m a nearly 40 year old idiot who now spends less time sweeping the floor, so in your face me.

I am glad for this shifting weather. It gives me the perfect excuse to not care about my yard yet.

Like a fart from a Yorkshire Terrier, my motivation today started out low and dissipated quickly leaving behind a feeling of general malaise.

I wish I could take out a restraining order against this bug in my code, but I bet it would just violate it anyway.

I should lose weight, but I really like having a place to rest my arms when I cross them.

I create a new file to test how to make code work when I am not sure how to do it. That way, when I rage quit and just randomly smash keys down while muttering obscenities under my breath I don't cause any lasting damage to projects.
That's how you can tell I am a senior level dev.

I have a augmented reality app on my phone that allows me to scan the night sky and see the names and locations of various celestial bodies.
My fridge does not give me the option of selecting between 1 and “just give me all of them, but spill half of them on the floor “ ice cubes.

Upgraded to an iPhone 8 Plus yesterday. I considered getting the iPhone X, but I realized the only thing I would use is the animated emoji thing to send my wife fart jokes.

I downloaded and installed iOS 11.3 because the release notes said it contained a battery health feature/indicator and my battery has been failing slowly over the last few months.
The updated software drains my battery three times as fast. But at least now I have a number to show how unhealthy my battery is. Sigh.

I have decided that I am not going to share my gamer handle. If I ever decide to play online, I want to be able to stalk my opponents, sneak up on them, and at the very last moment knock over something giving away my position and getting killed immediately because I am terrible at games.
I don't want anyone I know being able to gloat at me in person.

Actually played a little BioShock last night. I still have the hand to eye coordination of a stoned rhesus monkey.

Played my first video game in years last night. Frankly, it was boring and really easy to beat. I barely had to do anything. It took about an hour to finish.
However, I expect I will play "Downloading and applying system updates" again.

Taking gamer handle name suggestions now. Current leader from Derek Berdine: FartHammerOfTheGods.

Thinking about getting back into gaming, but I need a good gamer handle. Something like wheezeNsneeze or sweatyButNotHot.

Frankly, I no longer see the point of ties. Everyone I see on tv doesn’t seem to know how to wear one.
Bow ties are cool.

Looking forward to a weekend of creatively avoiding doing things that would make me a better person.

I don't ever want to own a smart fridge because I never want the potential for a data point to exist on how many sticks of string cheese I eat with the doors still open.

I asked a co-worker to wish me luck this morning because I was trying a new breakfast burrito place.
Not because it was skeezy place, but because the results of the test were going to set my mood for the rest of the week.

I am glad that Netflix releases all of their episodes for their shows at once. That way I can really commit to wasting an entire weekend.
Lost in my basement while watching Lost in Space April 13th people.

"Too bad it is raining, today was the day I was going to start running 5k's", he lied to himself.
Whatever, I took the stairs after lunch. Basically the same thing.

Apparently our dog's favorite hobby is persuading me to let them outside so they can call the neighbor's dogs assholes.
At least I assume that is what they are saying, since they sprint to that side of the fence and commence screaming like they are in the middle of a road rage incident.

Happy “close one eye, sit down, and think about anything but puking” day everyone!

I played soccer with my nephew in the front yard after work last night.
Well, I say "played" soccer. It was more of an avant-garde comedy show where there were no rules to a game that featured a small child kicking a ball at an overweight nerd in an attempt to make him fall down.

Blergh. That is all.

I am procrastinating for two more minutes from testing this bug I think I fixed so that I can remember what victory feels like.
If you see me shuffling through the office muttering "This is Sparta", just know that I working.

=-cfvbhnp[;oliuytredcdx bnjm,.,kmcdxsdxfbv m,klokijuhydxszaAXZCVBNM,≥?.,1K
-There, I'm done cleaning my keyboard now.

Daylights saving: making you hate the concept of time in one hour increments.

I just bought, added to a playlist, then synced new music from my PC to my iPhone in under an hour.
Now I have to figure out what I’m going to do with the other three hours I had budgeted for this task, since it typically takes about 45 minutes of screaming obscenities at my computer to even open iTunes.

I suppose I should do something productive today, like invent a new bacon based sandwich or something.
Edit: on second thought I will probably just eat a pound of bacon and call it good.

Thor Ragnarok was pretty good. Can't wait to re-watch it about 92 times so my wife can question my sanity.

If I work as fast as that Fiber One bar I ate yesterday worked, I should be able to get out of here before noon.

It's almost the time of year when I have to care about why my lawn sucks again.

I made it a point to look for that turkey that was being chased yesterday when I drove in this morning.
I really need to find some more engaging podcasts.

On my drive in I saw a flock of turkeys. Two of the turkeys were chasing a third one around in circles while the rest just watched. I am haunted by questions.
This is going to consume most of my day.

Working on Sundays means at least ten minutes of me wandering the cube maze finding candy bowls in order to commit sugar theft.

Code that writes code is cool. Next step, write code that writes snarky things and posts it to Facebook.
Developers - the people taking lazy sarcasm to all new levels of automation.
Snarkbot™ coming sometime. Or never. Whatever.

I told my nephew yesterday that I am going to be there when he loses a bet on a fart and that I would bring it up at his wedding.
He is too young to know that I am dead serious.

It's a lot funnier if you teach yourself to believe that the phrase "shooting fish in a barrel" refers to an 18th century game where drunk dock hands attempt to sling shot fish into a barrel in order to make their friends drink more mead.

Apparently when I can’t remember the name for the Power and Light District in the middle of a conversation I just refer to it as “The Douche Village”.

I'm turning 40 this year, which means I am really going to have to step up my jorts game.

Olympics are over, so now I have to go back to finding other things that I could TOTALLY do if I just tried hard enough.

Gambling on a fart while you are home alone is a lot like playing penny slots at a casino. Fun, with very little risk of life altering events happening in a split second.
Update: guess I’m doing laundry today

Two great things about getting older; getting up at the same time everyday without an alarm and not being able to convey the level of sarcasm on the internet necessary to describe your feelings about that.

Somehow I got on an email list for BEEF. It's literally an mailing list for beef producers and (presumably) enthusiasts.
I could just unsubscribe, but I kinda feel like I should keep an eye on it just in case there is BEEF news I should be aware of.

Our dogs love it when I work from home. It gives them a big target for their sleep farts.

Found out that for an additional $2, Subway will put double eggs on your breakfast sub which means that I am now a little sick to my stomach.

Be careful out there people, I almost fell down earlier.
Granted, it wasn't outside on the ice but rather when I got my head stuck in my sweatshirt in the bathroom. The point still stands though.

Planet comic con was pretty good, but I was disappointed with how few guys my age and weight were dressed up in skin tight Deadpool costumes.
Those guys make my comic con experience complete.

It’s a bit disheartening to know that in the grand scheme of things I am only marginally less likely to eat food that I find in random places than our dogs.
Edit: those crackers were delicious, so I regret nothing

You know that thing they do where they superimpose two competitors as they race down a course during the Olympics to show the differences in their athletic styles?
I do the same thing in my head, except the second competitor is always my unconscious body sliding down the hill wearing an ill fitting spandex suit because I tripped on one of my skis at the starting gate while I was pulling out a wedgie.

Headaches sap my ability to be sarcastic. Check back in tomorrow for snark.

Happy Valentine’s Day to my wonderful wife, who got me the best gift this morning by getting up at 4:45am to let our dogs out to pee which allowed me to attempt to sleep in a little while longer.
Love you baby!

The next zombie movie I watch I am going to try to pick up some tips from the fat zombies. If the zombie apocalypse happens, most of us will be zombies and it will be nice to have a leg up on the competition.
Presuming, of course, that my legs have not been chewed off by a more successful zombie.

My office should install a shower for employee use, since that is where my idiot brain comes up with solutions to problems in my code.
Until that happens I guess I will just stand in the corner, muttering about event listeners while spraying myself in the face with a water spritzer. Should be fine.
Edit:
Nevermind, that code fix didn't work. Idiot brain.

Frelief- the emotion our male yorkie experiences after he farts himself awake, darts across the room, and turns around to find that it was not actually a stinky poltergeist that tried to eat him.

“I wonder if it still dark outside at 5am...”
- My body this morning. Stupid meat cart for my soul.

I am grateful for drivers that make small mistakes because I can spend my commute judging them and not myself for eating three slices of pizza while watching men's figure skating last night.

"I'm really leaning into this not working out thing", he thinks to himself, taking another bite of breakfast pizza.

Skipping workouts during the winter is really easy for me to do since I basically have to microwave parts of my body to warm up these days.
The rest of year I just have to deal with the self loathing.

At some point in the near future I am going to be too old to learn how to Riverdance, and I guess I am just going have to be ok with that.

Kevin Hart trying to talk his way onto the stage after the Super Bowl made me so happy, because if I saw Kevin Hart at the Super Bowl that is exactly what I would expect him to be doing

“Well, I guess I could TRY to eat what is basically a whole pig”, he mused while trying find a reasonably sized premade snack for himself to enjoy while watching the super bowl.

Rare double daily post:
Geostorm was so bad I nearly walked out of my own house just on principle.
I mean, just. Egads it was bad.

When Facebook becomes sentient, I hope my posts float around its subconscious making it wary of people who buy egg salad sandwiches at poorly lit gas stations.

Happy Groundhog Day everyone, although for the life of me I don't know why we make meteorological predictions based off of the whims of an agoraphobic rodent.
WE HAVE SATELLITES PEOPLE.

I wear my Apple watch when I'm sleeping so that I get the exercise activity credit for getting up three times to pee.
Work smarter, not harder people.

"If your food had a first and last name, would you still eat it?"
Yes, which should tell you all you need to know about what defensive stance you should take if we are ever stranded on a desert island together.

Happy Birthday to my wonderful wife, who is still the best person I know.
Love you baby!

Thank you for all of the birthday wishes!

Welp, tweaked my back at the gym again.
I have clearly reached the age where my deadlift workout needs to include three sets of "laying on an air mattress in the corner of the gym and gasping like a beached catfish for four minutes".

Reading systems documentation makes me wish I was illiterate.
That way I could just chew gum and listen to music whilst whittling away the hours looking busy.

I don't know how everyone has energy to put on these awesome Halloween costumes. I barely have enough energy to wear pants.*
*I'm actually wearing shorts today, judge me as you will.

I either really enjoy Halloween or pumpkins make me stabby.
Whatever, our pumpkins are carved.

Nerdsplaining. Like mansplaining, except it involves terms like "instantiate the object" and the hatred for it is gender neutral.
And yes, I recognize the irony of mansplaining nerdsplaining. I want to be very clear - I don't care.

I have been working on this one bug in my code for so long I am now actively wishing for the zombie apocalypse to begin.

Exercising today is like granting yourself a little more credit to relax tomorrow.
"That's a nice sentiment", he thought, taking another bite of his foot long sub and secretly wishing that the phrase 'extra mayonnaise' meant the same thing to the guy behind the counter at Goodcents as it does to him.

Being a developer means it is socially acceptable to spout a string of obscenities in the office, provided you do so while wearing headphones and furiously pounding away on a keyboard.
WHY IS IT DOING THAT?!@@#$ Q!@#$$$

I wonder what the dollar value of the lost productivity is for employers that provide single ply toilet paper that forces their employees to claw at a new roll like a honey badger trying to escape a hollowed out log.
It's like a raccoon was making a nest in that last stall and just gave up and left like "whatever, I didn't want to live here anyway".

Watching Olympic Handball with no commentary leads me to believe that the entire goal of the game is to hit the goalie in the face with the ball as hard as you can.
That, or these guys suck. I JUST CAN'T TELL.

I had a dream last night that while desperately trying to turn my car in the correct direction based off of new information, the ground fell out from under the front of the car and I wound up with the two front tires lodged under water in a lake. I then had to break into a house to find the appropriate tools to fix my car. I woke up before I got the project done.
So... I guess that's how this work week is going to go.

"I hope the US men's indoor volleyball team beats those Canadians." - things I only think once every four years.
I am glad I DVR'ed the match. NO SPOILERS!
Edit:
Set 1 - damnit
Set 2- son of a bitch
Set 3 - great, now I have to cheer for Canada

The Olympics, the only time I remotely give a shit about men's swimming.
"Hey baby, what event is this?"
"Hell, I don't know - I think these eight guys are being chased by a really slow shark."

Yes, I have not been posting everyday on Facebook. The Outlook reminder fell off my calendar and as an A+ corporate drone, I do nothing that doesn't popup in an annoying little window.
I will try to remember to set a reminder to remind me to set up another daily reminder - but to be honest the chances don't look too good.

Password change day at work, which kicks off my week of softly muttering "son of a bitch" ten times a day until I remember I changed it.

Food truck idea: $10 all you can eat mashed potatoes, with the caveat that I get to throw them at you until you tell me to stop. Name: Chuckin Spuds.
Yes this is part of a master plan to get paid to throw food at strangers.

Almost time for me to go to the dentist for my bi-annual guilt trip about flossing.

Still at work, wondering why I didn't just become a member of a boy band or sell parts of my body to various companies for advertising purposes.

My heart pumps fluid faster than the gas pump I am currently using. Maybe if I tag my location it will be shamed into working harder in the future.

How is it possible I have run around this much today and not gotten any exercise?
If internal screaming burnt calories I could cancel my gym membership.

Me and another guy just walked up to each other in Dicks Sporting Goods holding some shoes and asked each other if they had them in our respective sizes.
Neither of us work at Dicks.

Ghostbusters was more Ghostbusters 2 than Ghostbusters.

Watching Transformers makes me want to buy a shitty Camero.
Or give Shia LaBouf a hug.

I could probably go to the gym tonight, but we have free HBO for the weekend and there are a lot of movies that I probably wouldn't watch under any other circumstances that I should check out.

Just a few more meetings and I will be dangerously close to talking about this project more than I have actually worked on it.
That is called The Speed of Business.

Time line for today:
9:30am - Hey, this script is working pretty well
10:30am - That seemed too easy, I should double check everything
1:00pm - Ok, only a few problems
3:00pm - Everything is on fire and I don't know why
4:30pm - What am I doing with my life

I like Facebook fights. It allows me to put a face with the name of people being insufferable assholes.
Hell, I don't even have to talk to them first. Just read the comments and add them to my internal "people that can stay off of all my lawns" list.

A very small part of me wants to download that Pokemon Go thing, but I don't even stop to pick up change if it is less that 25 cents.

Watching the US track and field Olympic qualifying makes me want to either go run a lap around a track or go get a Samsung phone so I can watch the Olympics in VR.
I think I will check my upgrade status for my phone, but only if I have the energy.

I am totally wearing shorts to my 20th high school reunion.
If I take better care of myself I won't have to wear Depends to my 30th. No promises, though.

Javascript, brought to you by "WHY IN THE HELL IS IT DOING THAT NOW?"

People who have jobs that require them to attend a large number of meetings must have a highly developed section of their brain that I lack that helps keep them sane.
Or they drink a lot.

I feel kind of bad when the presenter on the webinar has something go wrong with his presentation resulting in roughly one minute of frantic mouse waving and searching for text on various pages.
Even worse when his boss is the one who kicked off the webinar.

I am glad it is really hot outside, otherwise it would be weird that I am sweating so much.

Happy fourth. I would like to take this time to say stay the hell off of my lawn.
Those of you thinking that should be more patriotic, please feel free to discuss. Somewhere away from my lawn.

Happy End of the Freaking World According to Our Dogs Eve everyone.

Some guy just floated past our house in a big boat with a bunch of animals.
What a wacko.

First day of going to the gym over lunch. I plan on going three days a week over lunch and doing one of the big three, which means that by around 2pm on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays I will be making a sound like a mortally wounded possum.

Yeah, yeah, I know we walked on the moon and have a rover wandering around on Mars as I type this - but where the hell is my instant bacon maker?
Come on science, get off your ass!

"People are looking at your Linkedin Profile!"
<opens email>
"1 person has looked at your profile"
<frowns, closes email>

"I need to go home, because there is a chicken in my backyard I need to deal with."
- Actual email I had to send today
Being an adult is absurd sometimes.

This heat makes everything difficult.
Stupid life sustaining sun.

I just figured out that the reason my laptop wifi speeds were really slow was because I was resting the laptop on my stomach.
The fact that my gut absorbs a significant portion of a wifi signal does not do good things for my ego.

Hot. That is all.

The problem with refactoring your old code is revisiting all your past concessions.
Then making new ones.

I like to think that burritos are the natural evolution of needing to feed ourselves and not giving a damn.
Edit: I think I will get a burrito for dinner.

I need a catch phrase that I shout when meetings end.
"WHERE THE BACON AT?"
Then I just walk out of the room with no explanation.

The zombie apocalypse would be a nice change of pace, if only because I wouldn't worry so much about work.

"What's on your mind?"
Steak and beer, I am a simple man Facebook.

I am easily the angriest looking man at the laundromat right now.
I am the second angriest looking woman. That lady over there is scary.

I wonder if Samsung will give me a refund for my lost sanity since I am YET AGAIN GOOGLING ERROR CODES FOR THEIR DRYERS.
<angry face chuck>
Edit: NO ONE EVER BUY ANYTHING FROM SAMSUNG EVER AGAIN. I know pure hate now and it's face is a Samsung front loader dryer.

The speed with which I regret getting a Five Guy burger for lunch is only a fraction of the time it took me to eat it.

I can sum up my day with javascript as:
@#$%@#$^^^^^#%&&&&&%%

I bet if someone went back through all my posts they would come to the conclusion that I must have some kind of a dead man switch on my Facebook account that will go off and release some list of secrets if I don't post at least once a day.
My list of secrets would be super lame though.
"I once ate all the cupcakes and went back to the store, replaced them, then ate another one so the total number of cupcakes would appear the same to my wife."

Did you know there is an "excited to see Mars" emoji?

According to my under boob sweat, it is quite humid outside.

Captain America Civil War was pretty good.

Last year I benched 290 for our corporate challenge team. I trained for months.
This year I benched 280 and drank beer for two months before the competition.
This is not going to help my motivation, as the return on the investment is clearly in favor of drinking beer.

I have successfully reached the age where I question whether the aches in my joints are just a normal thing or if I have Lyme disease.

I saw a gif of a guy putting a lit sparkler in his mouth earlier today. Remember that if you ever believe you did something stupid.
"I locked myself out of my car, I am so.."
<remembers sparkler guy>
"Not that bad, I just made a silly mistake."

Thanks for all the birthday wishes!

I need Forrest Gump to run by me and give me a good idea.
My luck he would just hand me some chocolates and run away.

Time to embark on another object-oriented javascript journey into madness at the end of which I will scream to the heavens "I HAVE CONQUERED YOU! WATCH AS THAT LITTLE THING MOVES OVER THAT LITTLE THING ON YOUR SCREEN AND THEN SWITCHES PLACES!"
That is pretty much my job in a nutshell.

I'm glad my mind is going before my mobility. At least this way I can still walk around looking for that thing I vaguely recall wanting to do something with.
#WhyTheHellDidIComeIntoThisRoom

Twenty minutes into Silver Dollar City and I have already seen the overweight, complaining about "all these effing hills" guy.
I will be that guy in a couple of hours.

Hmm, national donut day? So you need a holiday to remind you to eat donuts?
Rookies. Some mornings I have to take a different route to work so I DON'T stop and eat donuts.

I am starting off the day with a splitting headache and a mountain of work. My inner optimist said, "it can only get better from here!".
My inner pessimist then stabbed my inner optimist in the neck with a toothbrush sharpened against the interior of my skull and said, "you were right, it just got a little better".

I am torn between being annoyed I have meetings all afternoon that will probably force me into working late and being happy to have an hour to browse Facebook on my phone while looking like I am taking notes.

<angryface>Late post because I am still at work.</angryface>

Oh look, rain. Surprising.
This weather is turning me into Larry David.

I am thinking about throwing a chair through the office window so I can get some fresh air in here.
Gotta love coming in over the weekend in a building that shuts off the air.

My wife got a little annoyed when I told her I would rather go home and grill steaks than see Captain America Civil War.
God we are so American.

Hello internet. I have been busy today and haven't had a chance to come up with anything clever to feed you.
Please don't eat me.

We humans are ridiculous.
"Hey look at that lightening hitting right over there! Let me press my face against the glass of my window as though it will get me a better view and not add to my personal danger at all."
And yes, I was absolutely the human pressing his face to the glass.

Someday, I want to copy someone's status word-for-word and see if they notice.
Jason Norberg, you made my status update today very easy.

Some days I feel like a Dachshund trying to jump onto a tall couch.

I sure hope it stops raining before I leave work so I can know I am a complete fool for getting soaked at lunchtime when I retrieved my umbrella from my car.

Everything has a beginning. Every societal norm, every tradition, every perception. I like to think that someday we will have the technology to look back through the eons and see the beginning of every facet of our current universe to better understand the why of how we got to the place we are now.
I would then use this technology to figure out who the first person was that said they wanted smooth walls in their house so I can hunt down their ancestors and punch them in the face because I AM STILL SANDING THE GOD DAMNED CRACK IN MY LIVING ROON CEILING.

Bout to get get a full slab of baby back ribs from jack stack. Good thing I conned my wife into buying 😀

Respect to the dudes my age in the full body Deadpool tights. You can't pull it off, but you didn't listen to the haters either.
Comicon is always fantastic.

It is remarkable how fast your day can go by when your internal monologue consists mainly of fevered cursing.

Outside of my family, I don't really care that much what other people think of me.
That being said, I am looking forward to the new Ghostbusters movie.

At some point the Bluetooth API will be supported fully across all browsers. That will be cool because you could theoretically use it to make your webpage talk to any Bluetooth enabled devices that are currently connected to the users computer.
That will suck when I am tasked with making someone's webpage talk to their toaster. Can you imagine debugging a damned toaster?

Today feels like a "drink a bunch of coffee and let the voices in my head figure this crap out" kind of day.

The older I get the more I think that Deadpool would be my patronus.
Yes, i am watching Deadpool.
#ExpectoCanadaian

If you don't care that much about lawn care then I highly recommend you postpone bathroom breaks. It greatly speeds up the weed eating process.

I just walked over to a co-worker and started a conversation with "Okelydokely Dockta Jones".
He is neither a doctor or named Jones and I combined quotes from two totally unrelated - but equally annoying - fictional people. That's like a 9 on the dad jokes scale.

Generic facebook post complaining about how busy I am at work.
#HASHTAGCURSEWORDS

The list of hobbies that satisfy both my fondness for solving problems and my innate ability to remain absolutely motionless for hours at a time is pretty short, which is probably why I like Netflix so much.
Or I am lazy. Either way, I need a hobby.

Explaining highly technical things with non-tech people really makes me appreciate my wife's patience when explaining health related things to me.
"So you're telling me I SHOULDN'T just spoon sugar into my mouth and then chug a bunch of coffee."
"No, dear. That is bad for you and your teeth."

Posty posty post. This is today's post. La La LA LA!
Yeah, not a lot going on today.

I'm starting to think some super lame gypsy put a curse on me because THIS STUPID CRACK IN THE CEILING WON'T GO AWAY.
This is my last attempt at fixing it. After this, we are getting an awkwardly placed attic fan.

Apparently those virtual reality goggles are water resistant. That seemed weird to me until I imagined the meeting where that decision was made.
"Hey check out these awesome things we made!"
"These are incredible! It's so like-like! What do you think they are going to be used the most for..."
"..."
"We should make these water resistant."

Occasionally work makes me understand why cats sometimes just sit and stare at a wall for hours and ignore any attempts to distract them.
I may give that a try later today.

Someone forgot to mention today was "Irritating Thursday". I would have worn a more aggressive polo.
I could also just be grumpy.

In honor of May the Fourth, I will be attempting to convince people that I am not the developer they are looking for all day.
"Hey Chuck, did you check it that code change fro.."
<waves hand>"I am not the dev you are looking for."
"God, again? You did this last week and it didn't work th..."
<waves hand frantically>"Move along, move along."

I don't think I use Post-it notes correctly. They only make me feel bad about the things I haven't done yet.
I supposed I could do the things I wrote on the Post-it notes, but it is pretty late in the day. Better write a Post-it note to do that tomorrow.

<strong>I wonder if I can post using HTML</strong>
Edit: Nope.

After buying and helping my wife spread roughly 600 lbs of dirt I can reach only one inescapable conclusion.
I would suck as a farmer.

I had the most aggressive shoe buying experience I have ever had today. I bought the shoe spray just to escape with my life.
That being said, I am pretty happy with my purchase.

The hold music on our office conference call line is the soundtrack to my personal hell.
OH GOD IT'S STARTING OVER AGAIN

Sometimes Javascript makes me wish I didn't know about Javascript.

It's getting to be that time of year when I sweat so much that when I get something out of the freezer I create a small lake effect snowstorm.

Parsing web service calls and comparing them against a reverse geocode from Google makes my brain hurt. I am like 20 minutes from spraining something in my cerebellum.
Chuck cave man now. Chuck no like stupid code.

If I kept a diary, today's entry would just be "Meh".
To be fair, most entries would be "meh" because I dislike writing.

Only a quarter through the new Vacation movie, but I already think it holds up.

My wife poked fun at me earlier because every time she schedules a hair cut for herself she also sets an appointment for me.
Clearly she has forgotten that I am a gigantic child who will wait six months then go to a place who's tag line includes the words "we ALSO cut human hair".

Awesome thing about Spring: Putting on shorts and going for a walk over lunch.
Not awesome thing about Spring: Forgetting you are a mouth breather and walking through a cloud of bugs.
#ZikaVirusHereICome

This weekend is a free HBO and Cinemax trial period, which means I will be a little late to work tomorrow as I frantically set my DVR to record a bunch of things I will eventually delete without watching.

Wednesdays hold a special place in my heart. It's that shriveled, blackened portion right over there that houses my hatred of all Canadians for foisting Justin Beiber on us.

I changed into shorts at work because I have given up the thermostat fight with the ladies in the office.
To be fair, I do sweat in the dead of winter - so my idea of comfortable could preserve food for months.

Coachella seems like it might be fun, but I would just spend the entire time actively avoiding accidental contact with people not wearing shirts.
I have yet to see a single picture that doesn't contain at least one shirtless person, so if I went I would just be the old guy in the back with "that look" on his face.

The "Hey Dad, smell my perfume" game is a lot less fun when the kid in question is a dog.
Apparently we have a bobcat in the neighborhood that eats a lot of cheese - because Chloe did a barrel roll in the leave behind.

My wife has been watching Hope Floats while I had a beer and hunted wasps in our backyard armed with a can of bug spray and a fly swatter.
We both think it has been a pretty good Saturday so far, although our neighbors probably think I am a little insane because I spent ten minutes wildly swinging the fly swatter around yelling obscenities.

The problem with Fridays is that Monday is only two days away.
I should start wearing a Batman costume on Mondays so I can look forward to the beginning of the week.

I got off the emoji train at the plain smiley face stop, but it is nice that I can scream "FROWNY FACE!" at my iPhone and have my emotions properly conveyed.

I achieved the old man paradox earlier today. I have been watching the Tom Hank's documentary series "The Sixties" and during the episode about the hippie movement I actually thought to myself, "God, just get a job".
That person, if they are still alive, has probably had a job for longer than I have been alive. I literally "get off my lawn"'ed someone that was both younger and older than me.

I am seriously considering taking a day off from work next month so I can go to all three days of the KC Planet Comicon.
I am not sure if I will go with "Letting my nerd flag fly", or "Going to look at stuff" in the day off request.

Thinking about calling it an early day. For some reason I just cannot shake that early morning fog feeling.
I am not, however, going to go to WebMD and enter my symptoms. I don't need some weird Peruvian brain worm nor the medication that Google will suggest for the next six weeks in various advertising spots because I entered "I feel icky" on WebMD.

I just apologized to my DVR for recording 22 Jump Street.
I doubt it will forgive me, and frankly I may not forgive myself.

For the last half hour my pajama pants have been tucked into my house shoes and I completely failed to notice.
My benchmark for a good day is significantly different now, because I think that is amazing.

I don't think I would actually work on the Death Star, but I would probably be able to convince myself to work on the website for the Death Star.
Knowing the empire, their website is probably built on Drupel. Evil bastards.

Today feels like the kind of day where I need an Outlook reminder to be an adult.
I would dismiss that reminder with hateful glee.

Being an adult means reciting the coffee maker prayer every morning.
Stare intently at the coffee maker while it is brewing. After ten seconds, scream "HURRY UP!". Resume staring and restart scream timer. It works faster if done in groups.

It annoys me that I only bought one thing from Groupon last week and now they send me all the emails all day everyday. Further, the thought of unsubscribing annoys me because it takes a bit of effort on my part, then further annoys me because what kind of lazy bastard can't click "unsubscribe" in an email footer and what am I doing with my life that this is something that causes me stress.
That $39 complete chiropractor package is starting to seem like a bad deal for my health. I should go on Groupon and look for a cheap psychiatrist. I bet I could find a pretty good deal.

Ahh, Monday. The day we all collectively take a deep breath, look around, and ask ourselves "What fresh hell will this week bring?"
I am starting to suspect I need a hobby.

First Death Star: "Yes, one shot could destroy this thing - but the port is REALLY small. We're safe sir."
Second Death Star: "The last time we had some trouble getting to the one place to target to destroy this thing when we were doing maintenance, so this time we made it big enough to fly a ship into. We're safe sir."
Third Death Star: "Meh, just cut down some trees and put the thing over there."
Totally believable BTW, as that is historically how projects go in the real world.

Figured out there is a Dunkin Donuts within a reasonable driving distance of our house. This is both a problem and a solution.

If it is socially acceptable to prank people on April Fool's Day, I think it should also be social acceptable to lightly assault the person if the joke isn't very good.

I am going to go shopping for some weightlifting shoes over lunch. Not because I am so amazing at weightlifting that I need specialized equipment, but rather because without the right shoes I will probably injure something - again.
Knowing me, I will wind up not buying any shoes and eating some ribs. Or not, as the line will be too long at Joe's KC and I haven't bought any "standin' in line" shoes.

Coffee doesn't necessarily make me happy, but it does remove my natural morning inclination to attempt to cast Harry Potter like curses on random people.

My wife just sent me a link to a video of a 78 year old woman dead lifting 225lbs three times with the message "See, if she can do it so can you".
I am not sure how I feel about any of that.

Mastering the "Sorry it's Monday, but it's nice to see you" head nod/smile combo has turned out to be a very useful skill.

Batman vs. Superman was pretty good.

Ahh, Spring. The birds chirping. Seeing grass starting to green up. Choking back vomit as the permafrost layer cake of dog crap finally thaws in the backyard.
It's a magical time of year people.

Breakfast pizza checks off as many items on my "things I like about breakfast" list as it does on my "reasons I shouldn't eat this" list - which makes it calorie neutral.
Also, I am bad at both math and nutritional calculations.

My chiropractor made it a little weird when, while looking at my x-rays, he said "You've got some good lookin' vertebrae!"
Whatever. He can tell me I have a nice butt so long as he fixes my back.

Second day laid up because of my back. Does anyone have any recommendations for chiropractors that do manual adjustments (I.e. They pop your back)?
Edit: In Kansas City

My back: "Knock Knock"
Me: "Who's there?"
My back: *pop*
Me: "ARRGH, I am going to lay down right here in the gym!"
My back: "You might as well finish this joke, because you are definitely done with dead lifts for the week."

You have reached a new level of dad jokes when you google it beforehand. Today's search:
"Is Ariana Grade always getting the wrong drink size at Starbucks?"
Apparently she is not, which is disappointing to me.

The reason I hate doing drywall work:
After three consecutive weekends of sanding and adding more mud, I am only one weekend away from being done.*
Then I start painting.
*provided I don't screw something up, which is basically a given

Yes, I almost forgot to post to Facebook today. I was busy drinking some beer and watching Alvin and the Chipmunks Road Chip.
Judge me as you will.

My morning felt like I ran a race I only found out I was in when I accidentally walked across the starting line.
And it is snowing. What weird day so far.

No, I am not wearing green. I married an Irish woman which grants me diplomatic immunity.
But if it makes anyone feel better I will try to do something really Irish today, like hating the British or something.
It is just now occurring to me that I may not know that much about the Irish. Whatever, like I said I have diplomatic immunity.

It's a good thing we don't live in a society where one has to reasonably expect to have to out run a bear, because after squats on Monday and dead lifts yesterday I would have a better chance of survival by turning around and offering the bear my pic-a-nic basket than successfully running away.

I need a website that will calculate what candidate to vote for based off of fictional politicians. Like, I want someone who is 30% Frank Underwood, 50% Josiah Bartlett, and 20% James Marshall.
I would probably still vote for the person I hate the least, but this is America damn it. We should have had that calculator years ago.

My amazing wife got up at 4:30 to workout this morning. I slept an extra 30 minutes because daylights savings time can kiss my ass.
We balance each other well.

I think I'm going to take a daylights saving time nap.

I celebrated Snake Saturday last weekend when I had three beers and picked up a dried out garter snake with a pair of pliers and threw it on our compost pile.
I may not know much about Snake Saturday.

I don't need Calgon to take me away, but it would be nice if it would finish sanding the patch on the living room ceiling and finish painting so I don't have to do it this weekend.
Calgon should make that. I would buy that product.

"Working from home is so relaxing", he said as the dogs go crazy for the fourteenth time for no reason at all.

My mid-life crisis must have passed by me while I was watching Netflix, because when a really nice sports car passed me this morning my first thought was "Getting in and out of that thing would MURDER my back".
I suppose it is time to start pricing out Toyota Avalons.

DeadLifts: An inner monologue
"Yeah, Chuck! You did deadlifts for the first time in like 15 years and didn't hurt yourself at the gym last night!"
"Yep. We still pretending we didn't see the high school kid next to us deadlifting the same weight but doing twice the reps?"
"What kid?"
"Yeah Chuck!"

An ode to Monday:
You suck. End of message.

The next time I decide to paint the living room ceiling I'm just going to hire a graffiti artist. It will be roughly as even as the job I did and will take half the time.

According to our yorkies, going to the dog groomer is tantamount to being kidnapped by those guys from Taken.

I am not feeling very good, so I may have to leave early so I can sit in front of the TV and judge people that don't actually exist.

Today has a high probability of "meh".

I want to flip off a Google self driving car to see if it cancels my Gmail account.
#HellYesIRecycleJokesBrit

The guy at the front desk of my gym always asks what I working on that day. I am noncommittal, because I don't want to catch him in the corner of my eye later shaking his head like "that bastard told me today was leg day".

Deadpool was great. That is all.

When I think of all things I need to get done it makes me glad I am not very motivated.
That list sounds exhausting.

For those of you in the Kansas City area, that big boom you heard on Wednesday night was not thunder. It was actually the sonic boom created by the speed with which my wife's eyes rolled when I drunkenly got into an argument with the cast of Scorpion.
I am not proud to report I lost that argument.

I try to drink enough coffee in the morning to sense emails before they arrive in my inbox, but not so much that I accidentally open a portal in my mind to that place in Hellboy where they find that big squid thingy.
It is a fine line to walk.

Angel Chuck: So, we got a little drunk last night.
Devil Chuck: Yeppers.
Angel Chuck: But it was a Wednesday...
Devil Chuck: Also true.
Angel Chuck: ...
Devil Chuck: You wanna slam down a donut and then lie to people about it?
Angel Chuck: ...Yeppers.
Appreciating the truce between your best and worst sides is the true indicator of being an adult.
Lying about donuts is just good business.

Others judge you by your actions, while you judge yourself by your intentions.
Last night, between requesting a callback from Southwest and actually receiving said callback, my company decided to cancel my business trip to Chicago. After 45 minutes I got my callback from Southwest, but was placed on hold for another 20 minutes before I hung up. I realized I was an idiot, because I was essentially waiting to tell Southwest I no longer needed to change my flight. I was even planning on being really nice, since I imagined that the person on the other end of the phone was probably having a bad night with all of the irate customers calling in.
So in short, I was planning on being awesome but wound up settling on "meh, screw you random person at Southwest".

Southwest's early check-in system is a slot machine of disappointment.

Word a Day calendars should really be called "Learn 25 words, one day a month" because that is as often as you will remember to tear off the pages.

I am going to get a lot done today. For example, I just crossed an item off my list - tell a lie on Facebook.

While out getting donuts, I saw a Jeep with "Awesomous Prime" written on the side of the hood. I can only assume that when it transforms it has a severe overbite and smells like Axe body spray.

It feels like a Whiskey Friday, but I should get drunk first to be sure.

Man, Kanye gets really hangry.
"Here Kanye, have a Snickers."
<takes a bite of Snickers>
"I'm still 50% better than this candy bar!"

I like Star Trek. The idea of a Utopian society where all your needs are met allowing you to pursue knowledge that betters yourself and mankind sounds wonderful.
Of course, I would probably just be the asshole who hogs the holodeck wearing the 24th century version of Netflix socks - but at least I wouldn't have to deal with my coworkers not making more coffee when they finish off BOTH POTS YOU JERKS.

I think the reason that my "Whitney Houston drowned in a bathtub" joke didn't land yesterday during a team leads meeting at work was due to its factual inaccuracy and not because it was horrifically tasteless.
The jazz hands I threw up during the delivery probably didn't help much, though.

Dogs are great if you enjoy cereal and also enjoy dropping things.

My wife is a remarkable woman. She is sick, but she doesn't mind when I follow her around the house spraying a can of Lysol while screaming "OUT DAMNED DEVIL VIRUS!".
She is a nurse so she knows that it won't help much medically, but since I have no formal medical training I have to fall back on witchcraft and anger.

"All work and no play make Chuck a fat boy", he mused while standing in line at Panera to buy 7000 calories worth of bagels and steadfastly refusing to acknowledge the actual reason his belly jiggles when he drives over a speed bump.
In my defense, bagels are awesome and America.

I've always been pretty advanced for my age. For example - I'm only 37 years old but I am already a grumpy old man.
Stay off my lawn.

The Hyvee near me is selling emoji pillows for Valentine's Day.
Once I got over the initial hatred of my fellow man for making these a reality, I briefly considered buying one so that anytime someone at work IM'ed me something funny I could walk over to their desk, hit them in the face with the pillow, and scream "LOL YOLO".

When it comes to pop culture stuff, I am a reverse hipster. I only get into things that everyone considers cool until they have been finished for at least a year.
That being said, I am really looking forward to taking a couple of days off and watching a lot of Sopranos.

Someday in the near future aliens will infiltrate our society by taking members of the human race and replacing them with clones. They will look just like us but will be working at direct odds with our ultimate survival. In this dystopian future, fear will reign over every aspect of our lives as suspicion of our friends and neighbors grows with each disappearance of those who dared to speak out.
We will not be able to distinguish them from the person they replaced except in one way - the mannerisms we know to be unique only to the original. This will serves us well within our own social groups, but humans as a whole will be at a disadvantage unless we can find a way to organize across the world. What use is knowledge unless it is shared? How can a group of survivors from the west coast possibly know that a group from the midwest is human?
Facebook, that's how.
So today, I will start by forging the first link that will ultimately build a chain of trust that will allow the human race in the distant future to throw off the shackles of alien invasion. Today we will prepare for the inevitable and make our place in history. I am going to share something about myself that no clone will know and that all humans can count on as an absolute.

I would like to offer a heart felt f*#k you to Hyundai for putting Ryan Reynolds in a commercial like 37 times. Not only does my wife now want an Elantra, but apparently she also likes me less.
I'm still going to see Deadpool though.

Alcoholism is a terrible thing, but even my wife can't deny the skill with which I drunkenly cleaned the kitchen yesterday.

To anyone out there with irritable bowel syndrome - look on the bright side, only 193 more poops until Valentines Day!
#DadsGotJokesMuthaEffers

I don't see why we can't live every day in a manner that would make Macklemore proud.
No particular reason, he just seems really easy to impress and I don't feel like making a lot of changes in my life.

I am seriously considering updating my daily Outlook reminder from "Post something on facebook" to "Crush it on facebook".
I will let you know where I land.

"Happy hump day!" said the guy I hope suffers minor inconveniences on several consecutive Wednesdays so he stops saying 'happy hump day'

Let's see, what to post today. I had a headache last night that is still lingering a bit - naw that's silly. I tell you what what I shouldn't post; some weird stream of consciousness you are typing to try to spur something funny to post. Yeah Chuckles, you had better erase this before you accidentall

I firmly believe that you teach people how to treat you. I, however, have completely failed to teach anyone to randomly buy me ribs.
Somewhere, someone has figured out this formula - but they are too ensconced in a BBQ soaked nirvana to teach a plebeian like me how they cracked the code.
Though my quest be Quixotic in nature, I shall continue to tilt at the windmill of random ribs until I either dine in glory, or die in it.

I'm glad we have Yorkshire terriers. They are fairly easy to impress and I will only have to change like 60% of my base personality to get them to respect me.

Woohoo! I'm social mediaing ...medialing...medialingling. Shit. Nope, I lost it.
Meh. I will try again tomorrow.

I have decided I need to be better at social media. I have fully embraced both my inner nerd and outer lazy bastard by setting an Outlook reminder to post something to Facebook daily.
I am amazed I was able to find a beautiful woman who would actually marry the rare combination of a guy who really wants to see the new Star Wars movie - but is perfectly happy to wait until it is streaming on Amazon because he can't be bothered to look up movie times.
This is also an attempt to head off any "Jesus, I thought you were dead" comments at our upcoming reunion. Two people were amazed I was alive at our last reunion. Which is funny, but in a "clown on a bench in the rain crying while making balloon animals" kind of way.
Anyway, happy Friday!